Fleas

Last night as I was organizing some of Zoe’s things, I came across two cards. One was an invitation to a gender reveal party at our home, scheduled for March 26. The other was a prayer request card made by my precious church family for a prayer shower we had the week before Zoe was born.

The party invitation filled my heart with such sorrow. Our families live far away in Arkansas and we had been so excited to coordinate eight busy schedules for everyone to be here that weekend. And yet, two days before, we received the heartbreaking news. A weekend that was supposed to be saturated with pink cupcakes, balloons and streamers was filled with tears. My sweet Cody had to call them and let them know that there would be no celebration. Our child would die. 

And yet, somehow, there was such celebration over Zoe’s life. The prayer card reminded me of the deep joy that surrounded us during those months of her life. The darkness of her impending death encouraged us to make the most of every moment we had with her. 

On a weeks notice, our church family arranged a prayer shower for Zoe. Friends brought a card with a prayer or Scripture as their gifts. And what unbelievably precious gifts they have been.

During our time together at the prayer shower, ladies prayed nine specific requests over us. It was one of the most holy experiences of my life. I saw a company of saints surrounding us with misty eyes, all petitioning the Father on our behalf. I am crying right now as I think about it. What a sweet mercy. 

As I sat in the floor last night looking over those nine requests which had been prayed over us that June evening, I was filled with thankfulness. Each prayer had been faithfully answered. Maybe not in the ways I expected or wanted, but they were answered. Every aspect of Zoe’s life was perfect. Too short, but perfect. 

The day after Zoe was born, my mom, sisters-in-law and best friends sat together in the hospital to make a list of all of the ways God specifically answered our prayers. Tiny details that were taken care of with precision. It filled up three pages on a legal pad. There are even more things that I have thought of since that day. 

I like to think of this as my “flea list.” This name comes from a story of my favorite Christian sisters.

Corrie ten Boom and her sister Bettie were believers who suffered as prisoners in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. In one camp, their barracks were plagued with fleas. No guard would enter the infested room. 

The fleas were filthy, annoying, unpleasant and painful. However, Bettie prayed and thanked God for the fleas. They had been able to smuggle a Bible into the camp and thus their flea-filled room became a sanctuary. Even as her body was covered in bites, she recognized that it was because of these little creatures that they were able to keep the salve for their souls. She thanked God for the tiny things that worked together for good, even in the midst of her suffering.

No human in the world is excluded from suffering. We will suffer at the hands of others, as did the ten Booms. We will suffer because we live in a broken world, as Zoe did and as we do in her absence. And yet believers are commanded to give thanks in all circumstances in I Thessalonians 5:18. I don’t think that means we have to give thanks for the circumstances. We don’t have to thank God for the suffering which is wrought upon us. However, we are encouraged to be grateful in our circumstances. I am helped when I remember that Paul wrote “Rejoice in the Lord always!” (Philippians 4:7) from prison, not from the lap of luxury!

God doesn’t remove us from suffering, but he does give us “fleas” in the midst of them. No matter the circumstance, there are things, even the tiniest things, for which we may be thankful. Yes, my daughter died, but God has given me reasons myriad and mighty to thank him. Cultivating a grateful heart goes a long way towards the transformation of our souls.

I could fix my heart on what I don’t have today. I could melt under the reality that I’m not joyfully exhausted by my three month old little girl. But today, by the grace of God alone, I choose thankfulness. I choose to be thankful for the gift Zoe Karis was and continues to be. I am thankful for those who have been the presence of Christ to me and Cody during this season. Most of all, I am thankful that because of Jesus, I will see that sweet, sweet face again one day. That, my friends, is true HOPE…something for which I am eternally grateful.