What a year. On Saturday, we celebrated Zoe’s first birthday. It was not what I’d envisioned when I found out that I was pregnant with her. Definitely not the kind of first birthday that Pinterest portrays. Not a day filled with smash cakes and giggles.
It was a day heavy with anticipation. As the day approached, memories became increasingly vivid and fresh once again. My anguish mirrored the heaviness in my heart from last June, when I knew that each day which passed pushed us closer to Zoe’s final day.
However, when I woke up on Saturday, crippling sorrow did not overwhelm me. Instead, God mercifully granted his peace and presence. It was the same sort of strange peace that we felt on June 24, 2016.
We spent the morning at Zoe’s grave, preaching to ourselves the promise of the resurrection. Being in that place is so holy for us. It is the last place we saw our daughter on this earth, and the place from which she will arise when Christ appears again. Zoe’s headstone is a little sermon in stone. It reminds us that she and we are “waiting in hope for the glorious resurrection,” a carefully chosen epitaph.
Without the hope of the resurrection, we are “people most to be pitied, but Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep” (I Cor. 15:19b-20). This hope of the resurrection is far more radical than the prevailing popular view of heaven. We won’t just float away on a cloud, instead Christians are promised a bodily resurrection! Just like the resurrection that gave life on Easter morning to Jesus’ dead body!
Death will one day die. The earth will give birth to the saints of the ages! Once again, it is TRUTH that draws me out of darkness!
It is in light of this marvelous news that we can be of good courage in the face of death and the grave. One day, the words of I Corinthians 15:54-55 will be true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” For now, the sting remains. But it will not always be so! Thus, we live in the tension. We know the pain of the present and the glory of the future. We eat cake and cry.
God used Zoe Karis to teach us that every gift is from his hand. We worship the Giver, not the gift. When we get that relationship backwards, focusing solely on the gift, we will be lost in white-knuckled misery. I want to learn to hold everything with an open hand, giving thanks to the One who both gives and takes away.
We have been given a new gift from God; a baby boy whom we hope to meet in November. We are so thankful to the Father for this new little life. The journey of a new pregnancy has not been easy. God is expanding our hearts to love our new baby, but our son does not diminish the pain of our daughter’s death. No child can ever take the place or fill the hole that Zoe left in our hearts. He is his own person, a unique and wonderful gift from God all his own.
Because of his big sister’s disease, he has been carefully monitored. Several weeks ago, when we could clearly see his long legs kicking and his well formed spine arching and moving on ultrasound, we were filled with such joy that he seems healthy. And yet, simultaneously, we were filled with such deep sadness that Zoe did not have the same strong and long bones. A healthy baby would be a welcomed and wonderful gift, but we know from experience that an unhealthy child is no less a gift. Zoe Karis was our sweetest and most sanctifying gift from God. What an honor it is to be her parents.
We praise God for sustaining us one whole year without Zoe. We celebrate her life, give thanks for her baby brother, and await the great and glorious day when we will all be together in the presence of our Redeemer and King.
