Monday, July 11, 2016

Zoe's Birthday

My dining room table is covered with papers, cards and books. As I look across the table at the stack of extra programs from last week’s memorial service, I can hardly believe that it is Zoe’s name on the front.

Exactly three months after her fatal diagnosis, our sweet Zoe Karis was born and died. It was an unbelievably difficult three months, knowing that any day could be “the day.” 

Zoe was full of surprises her whole life…and her birth was no exception. My water broke on a walk around the neighborhood just before Cody and I were scheduled for dinner with friends. I couldn’t believe that it was really happening. I stood in the road and cried. My sweet husband coached me home and had us ready to leave for the hospital in less than five minutes. He stays so calm under pressure (unlike his wife). 

I don’t think any parent could ever be completely ready for what we knew was ahead of us. I kept saying, “I’m not ready to say goodbye yet!” Such sorrow and joy…knowing we were on our way to the hospital to hold our sweet Zoe for the first time…and last time.

We treasured the time we had with her in the hospital that night. As we have been doing since March, Cody read to her from the Jesus Storybook Bible. Our story for that night was Jesus’ resurrection. Our hearts were filled with such hope for Zoe as we remembered once again the truth of the resurrection. Furthermore, we were so comforted that God is not unfamiliar with our pain. He willingly gave over his son to death for us. Praise him.

At midnight, we told Zoe “Happy Birthday!” knowing she would be born to earth and to heaven on June 24. 

Zoe’s strong and beautiful heartbeat resonated in our room all night. I couldn’t sleep for listening to that sweet sound. I talked and sang to her all night long. I treasured every single minute with her safely inside me, knowing that each passing moment was one second closer to the time she would go to be with the Lord. It was surreal to feel her move and hear her heartbeat, knowing she was also going to die that day. 

After a few of my contractions caused Zoe some distress, our wise and wonderful medical team determined it was time for an emergency c-section. We had been memorizing Isaiah 43 for delivery day. “Fear not” kept resounding in my mind as everyone worked quickly around me. 

Zoe Karis was born at 5:12am. She was perfect. That time with Cody and Zoe are the most tender and cherished moments of my life. Though the medical team was working all around us, we were all alone. It was our little cocoon of tear-filled joy. In our eyes, her life was far too brief, but God knew her days before there were any. 

On June 22, the night before I went into labor, I read Cody a journal entry from December 22, 2015. I wrote, “Lord, you have ordained this baby’s every day, whether it be mere days in the womb or days piled into decades on earth. Help me to trust you, Lord Christ.” 

He has helped me. I know he will continue to help me, and all who mourn the brokenness of this world and long for the hope of heaven.

Cody and I have recited Philippians 4:4-7 to each other multiple times a day since March 24. On June 24, we truly rejoiced and experienced the peace of Christ in a whole new way. It was so very real, I think everyone who came into our room that day must have felt the Holy Spirit’s presence. I had waited and wondered what I would feel like on Zoe’s birthday. I am so grateful to say it was honestly the most joyful and peaceful day of my whole life. I knew that Zoe was present with the Lord, in no more pain, and that we would see her again. 

Our family came from Arkansas and our friends came from all over the country to be with us and meet Zoe Karis. She looked like a perfect little baby doll, with Cody’s cheeks, our blue eyes and my nose. Her skin was so soft. She had a such a sweet smell. She wore four pretty dresses made by women who minister through their gifts of sewing. We studied her and tried to memorize everything about her. She was beautiful. And so very loved. 

All too soon, goodbye came. Thanks be to God, because of Jesus, that goodbye was not final. It feels permanent right now, but it is not forever. When forever begins at Christ’s return, Zoe will be resurrected to eternal life in a glorified body and we will be with her in new creation with no more tears. We anchor our hope in this promise.


Tears are the reality for now. Our last 16 weeks have been filled with overwhelming sorrow. But, praise God, the joy that he gave us as a gift in Zoe Karis has outweighed the pain. She was a gift. I wouldn’t trade away the joy to skip the sorrow.

7 comments:

  1. What a beautiful testimony. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  2. What a beautiful testimony. Thanks so much for sharing.

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  3. Beautiful reflection, Hayden. You have given incredible witness to God's love and grace throughout these months as you have nourished and cherished your precious little Zoe Karis. Thank you for your testimony of faith and for your courage as you have lived this experience. Blessings always.

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  4. Such sweet memories of your precious Zoe Karis. I can envision Jesus cuddling her in His arms. She's not alone, not in pain but whole and happy looking up at her beautiful savior. May God wrap you both in His loving arms and comfort you with His presence and holiness. God has many special times ahead for you to share His love through her life. His blessings on you and Cody.

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  5. Thank you,Hayden for sharing your joy in sorrow and exemplifying Christ through it all. May God continue to bless and keep you and Cody.

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  6. Thank you,Hayden for sharing your joy in sorrow and exemplifying Christ through it all. May God continue to bless and keep you and Cody.

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