Yesterday we got to hear Zoe’s heartbeat. There is no sweeter sound in the world to me. As memory of that strong drumming echoes in my ears, it seems like there must be some giant mistake happening here. Surely her great heartbeat means she’s okay? How can it be that I can hear her heartbeat and feel her move...and she’s going to die?
It’s all so hard to process.
Nothing is normal. It’s hard to find the energy to eat or talk or work. My memory is normally pretty precise, but I cannot recall even simple things. In the weeks since Zoe’s diagnosis, Cody and I have just been taking one day at a time. I don’t even know that there are good days and bad days. It’s more like a good hour or a hard hour. Zoe is all I can handle.
Unfortunately, I do think there is a certain selfish tendency to try to protect ourselves from what is ahead, to limit love because of the looming loss. We pray that God would continue to expand our capacity to truly love her as she deserves to be loved. To love her with abandon, as a perfect gift from God. To love her fully, despite the deeper pain we may feel when she leaves us.
When I begin thinking about the days ahead, the weeks and months ahead, I get overwhelmed. My Nanny called that “borrowing worry.” Ultimately, the future is frightening because I am often imagining a future without the grace of God.
When the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness, they received manna from heaven each morning (Exodus 16). They couldn’t save it up for the future. If they tried to hoard some away, it became rancid. The same is true with the grace of God. His mercy and peace is sufficient for the day, not for some imagined future time.
So in the present, I want to focus on being a good momma to Zoe. We want to cherish the time that we do have with her. She is alive right now, and we want to celebrate her! I can truly say that I am grateful God chose me and Cody to be her parents. I don’t want another baby. I wouldn’t trade her for a healthy child. I love my Zoe Karis just as she is. I am grateful to God to have the joy of giving her life right now, grateful for the privilege to carry her in my womb. Zoe is an eternal soul, worthy of whatever life and dignity we can provide to her.
That doesn't mean we aren't trembling. The prophet Habakkuk got a glimpse into his future and was terrified by it. He wrote, “My body trembles; my lips quiver at the sound; rottenness enters into my bones; my legs tremble beneath me.” And by the grace of God he was able to say, “Yet I will quietly wait for the day of trouble.” (Habakkuk 3:16) Now of course he was waiting for destruction to fall on his enemies and we await something much different. Nevertheless, what is ahead is daunting. We choose to wait on God’s peace and provision for each moment in spite of the fear.
One such rhythm of peace each evening is reading the Jesus Storybook Bible together. We’ve been all through the Old Testament, and tonight we will finally get to Jesus. Last night Cody excitedly said, “It’s almost time to introduce you to Jesus, Zoe!”
What a blessing and joy it is to read these stories to Zoe Karis, certain that she really is going to know Jesus. She will be with him. And one day, we will be too. His dwelling place will be with man. He will be our God and we shall be his people.
And he will wipe away all the tears from all the faces.
God's grace is sufficient unto this day. Praying for you to be able to find peace in the here and now and take each day as it comes. I am amazed by the way God is working in your little family. That is cause for rejoicing in this time of uncertainty.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I am friends with Glenda Secrest. I go to church with Marrietta. I have been touched by your story and challenged by your faith. I'm praying for each of you during these days.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I am friends with Glenda Secrest. I go to church with Marrietta. I have been touched by your story and challenged by your faith. I'm praying for each of you during these days.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing these beautiful words that breathe life and hope into your story, a story that by worldly standards would mean despair and hopelessness. This is your story within His beautiful story, one that does not end in death but in life! I appreciate your vulnerability and your courage as you lean into the Holy Spirit for strength and stability. He will hold you up with His right hand and give you rest in His everlasting arms. As you follow behind the Shepherd, one step at a time, He will see you through what makes you tremble most. He is in your tomorrows, He is there already, and your tomorrows have to pass through His gracious hand. He is indeed our dwelling place sweet daughter of His. Zoe is indeed blessed to have you as her Momma.
ReplyDeletePlease know that the Ingrams and your church family are on this journey with you. Zoe has brought is all closer to the Divine. You are loved!
ReplyDeleteOh, Wow! God's grace is shining through you!
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